Thursday, March 31, 2011

Dear JD: What exactly did you learn in law school?

JD is an attorney (hence the nickname JD), but couldn't find a lawyer job, so he took a job with our firm as a Paralegal.

Today, he asked what ABN and LR meant.

For those who don't live in a law office, you may not know that those acronyms stand for "associated business name" and "local rule."

That's right. He didn't know LR meant local rule. Oh the humanity, bring me some sticks to draw that man a picture on the wall of his cave!!

One day, my superpowers as Superlegal will be a force to recon with.  On that day, justice will dillute the evil cesspool of posers who attempt to practice law.

Until then, I will stick to my pranks. Some pranks I thought of to play on JD:

1. Put stick figure drawings on his chair of stick people getting fired.
2. Add "goals" to his calendar, like
     "GOAL #1: Find another job, they don't want me here,"
     "GOAL #2: Read and understand a sentence with legal mumbo jumbo," and
     "GOAL #3: Try harder not to ask stupid questions that annoy other people."
3. Rub a dirty diaper on his chair (dirty side down), so the smell gets on his pants.
4. Change the default printer to a printer in our downstairs office. (Yes, he's that stupid.)
5. Move his chair to the downstairs office.
6. Write a ransom note using pasted cut-out comic letters telling him he must pay even more money to go back to law school, because he obviously learned nothing.
7. Schedule court appearances on his calendar for cases that don't exist.
8. Tear out random pages from his LOCAL RULE books (he doesn't know what they are anyways).


  1. Fake an audit letter from the Bar Association for improper usage of client fees.

  2. Oooo, I like that one. I don't know if I'll have the prep time, considering today is APRIL FOOLS!! What a grand holiday!

  3. Litigation_ParalegalApril 01, 2011

    Lawyers really make the worst paralegals. I worked with one who told me he needed to subpoena medical records from a provider on a med mal case that was in presuit, lol. He looked stunned when I told him he couldn't do a subpoena and then demanded to know why. Once I finished explaining the "why" he then had to ask how he was supposed to get the records!

  4. Corporate ParalegalApril 01, 2011

    Create fake Local Rules, maybe to replace the torn out ones. He won't know anyway. Make them real strange but not completely off the wall so he will question them but since he does not know enough will go ahead and do them.

    And thanks for the great posts. It has certainly given me ideas. I especially like the changing the default printer one!

  5. @LitigationPara: oh, the stories never cease. Perhaps of he had started drafting the subpoena, he/she would have figured it out? Nope, probably not. He/she would have just made up the info that didn't exist. When will real attorneys realize we are not just trained monkeys and not EVERYONE can do what we do well?

  6. @CorpPara: very nice. Maybe add a local rule about subpoenas must be issued at ex parte! Ha! I would follow him to court to see that one! Imagine if that was still presuit too. Bwaahahaha!

  7. Fort Worth 8LApril 07, 2011

    Perhaps if you werent's so full of yourself, you could see that you also have issues. For instance, you misspelled "dilute." It only has one "l."

    If JD has just passed the bar, it is quite likely that they never taught him to use the acronym LR for local rule in law school. Our local highly rated law school factory is pretty academic and plus we don't use LR in Texas. We have local rules but refer to them differently.

  8. @FortWorth: Spoken like a true lawyer! A special blog posting is coming, just for you!!

  9. Hilarious! Great ideas...

  10. You're incredibly negative and condescending in almost all of the posts I have read. I found some to be informative for someone that is considering or going through paralegal school, and this is why I began to read your blog. However I think that you need to re-evaluate whether you should continue in your career path. You are unpleasant and arrogant in your perceptions of people. I see that you are trying to come off as humorous but it really isn't. I find this sad because I think you have alot of knowledge to offer people that are seeking guidance or insight. I think I have gathered all I can from your blog from just a few posts, which is mostly just a negative attitude. I should have took your word for it in the beginning; misery certainly does love company. I hope you find better times in your professional life at some point. I'm sure you are a good person otherwise.