SECRETARY WAS FIRED!

A short while ago, I realized while I was screaming at my husband about Secretary X for over an hour (or at least it seemed that long to him), that Secretary's ridiculousness had to stop and that I was not going to take it anymore. I reached my boiling point.  Life is way too short to deal with people with terrible attitudes who refuse to do work they are paid to do.  I swear I felt like telling her to go live with the Occupy Wall Street folks down the street in their tents if she wants to soak up other people's money and make them angry while accomplishing nothing! Those are HER kind of people. Anyways, I digress...

So, the next day, I walked into the office, dropped my crap in my office and marched straight into B-Dub's office and told him I was done dealing with her crap!!! (No joke, just like that.) I told them that I was resigning and that I would stick around until they transitioned someone new into my spot. I didn't have a job lined-up, but I couldn't take it anymore.

Then, he called Associate in. I was happy he did because it saves me some time repeating the same crap he also needed to hear.

Then, I made a 45 minute impromptu exit interview speech, which included the following key points:

I discovered the magical trick!

The other day, B-Dub sent me an email and asked that I respond. The email discussed several things, including deposition scheduling, which is Secretary X's job. B-Dub is giving Secretary X less and less work now (I know why, but can't disclose the reason yet).

I went to Secretary and confirmed the deposition dates she scheduled the week before. She went on and on ... and ON ... about all the work she did to schedule the depositions. I'm not particularly sure what exactly is so difficult about giving direct, straight forward answers, but evidently it's too difficult to do. I think she believes that if she confuses people with her nonsensicle jibberish, she can easily get out of her ambiguous responses later on. Well, I just keep hounding her until she gives me a straight answer. She hates that (and, hey, if a little torture gets me what I need, I'm all for it).

Things Secretary X refuses to do

There are lots to choose from, but here are a few:

Open to other possibilities...

The other day, Secretary had several ridiculous hissy fits. I couldn't believe how she was acting. She was like a two year old on crack. What kind of grown adult behaves that way? One that knows she can get away with it.

One of the hissy fits was a hold over from the day before when I instructed her to send a one sentence letter out. One sentence. She then came to me to tell me she was not going to do anything without an attorney's approval. I was half-tempted to just do it myself, but decided I wasn't going to do her work and give in to her non-sensicalness (yes, I made up that word) - no more than I would give-in to a fit-throwin' two year old demanding ice cream at a grocery store.

I let that simmer and told her that if she wanted that confirmation from an attorney, she needed to ask for it herself and that I expected it to be done promptly regardless.

She spoke to B-Dub about it and he had no clue about what I asked her to do and instructed her to talk to me for instruction and do as I said. (Thank you, B-Dub for a little validation!) So she asked me again that next day what she was supposed to do. As I was starting to explain it again, B-Dub walked up and pulled us both into his office.

Guess what's NOT on my bucket list?

I've been composing my bucket list lately. It's not a life crisis, just want to make sure I have some goals in order and I make the most of the breaths I have. Really, they're just life goals.

So, that got me to thinking: do you know what's not on my bucket list? These things:

Losing momentum

People in a law office can be classified as people who react, or people who elicit reaction. Those who know how to elicit reaction are able to stay one step ahead of their competition and keep momentum in their cases.

Wrong! There is such a thing as badly-timed, stupid questions!

I am starting a MAJOR trial in a couple days. I have told Secretary X that I have no time for anything but trial prep, especially since B-Dub is on vacation and I am preparing the case by myself.  I told her to see me in two weeks if she needs instructions on anything and to simply deal with anything else herself in the meantime. Well, that little instruction through her into quite a tizzy. Her response a-la-attitude was that now I have one case and she has a THOUSAND cases and that isn't fair, promptly stomping her hooves in protest. Obviously, I told her that I don't have time to help her with that issue and she needs to bring it up with B-Dub if that's a problem (again, he's on vacation). She walked away.

Now, of course, five minutes later she comes to me about another question, and another, and another, all unrelated to my case going to trial. So frustrating! Here is a list of her issues that are more important than my huge trial:

Ownership is a relative term

I thought the copier on my floor belonged to the firm. Turns out, it actually belongs to Secretary X.

I copied some documents today for an expert. Secretary X came into the copy room and asked if the copy job going was mine.  I confirmed it was. She flipped through the pages on the copier, as if she was counting them, grunted, and walked out of the copy room in a huff with her letters.

How dare I not ask permission to share her toys!

Secretary X's disappearing act

Secretary X has a habit of disappearing for several hours. Today, B-Dub and Associate were at a mediation trying to get in touch with her for hours. They never did. Will this be the push B-Dub needs to can her? Probably not.

Thong Tha-thong thong thong

Last Friday, Secretary X wore thong sandals to work. These weren't the fashionable, dressier type. These were worn out, grungy $2.00 flip flops that she has probably worn for 10 years. It was disgusting. All, without a good pedicure.

Now I see why mean partner hates casual Friday - the term casual can be dangerous in the wrong hands.

Pure. Horror.

It's shaping up to be a fantastic day!

First thing in my inbox:

B-Dub's draft of a document that was due last week with a note from Secretary X to me saying that she didn't make B-Dub's revisions because she wasn't sure about some of them.

I have never seen the document, I didn't draft it, and they aren't my revisions that she doesn't understand. I have to agree with Secretary X that it is the natural choice to put it in my inbox while I am on a pre-scheduled vacation and ignore the deadline.

Awesome.

Oops, she did it again

Secretary X scheduled a deposition. I spent a ton of time finding the witness and getting he-who-does-not-want-to-be-found served with a subpoena for said deposition. In came the fax from opposing counsel stating that she never even consulted with opposing counsel on dates for the deposition. She just randomly picked a date and called it good.

So. Utterly. Frustrated.

Awesome Email Exchange with Secretary X, Part IV

From last week:

FROM: BIG INSURANCE CLIENT
TO: B-DUB
Dear B-Dub:
Just to let you know the letter you just sent out had the WRONG claim number. PLEASE change your records.  THANKS.
Big Insurance Client

*****

FROM: SUPERLEGAL
TO: SECRETARY X
Secretary X:
This bad claim number is throughout our entire correspondence file. Will you please change them all so it doesn't happen again?
Thanks.
Superlegal

*****

FROM: SECRETARY X
TO: SUPERLEGAL
Superlegal:
It is not bad throughout all correspondence and it is on the chart correctly. There is nowhere to change it. Just be careful when you are saving as.
Secretary X

*****

FROM: SUPERLEGAL
TO: SECRETARY X
Secretary X:
It needs to be changed on everything so that it doesn't accidently happen again. I saved the letter from the initial letter to the clerk. You and I are not the only ones that access the file and re-save documents. Whoever uses the electronic files needs to be able to rely on the documents being correct.

Going back and forth on these things is not productive. I will change it myself because it needs to be done.

Sincerely,
Superlegal

*****
Entire email exchange forwarded to Associate.
-----------

After that email, Secretary X approached me to tell me that she noticed this problem in the beginning of the case, but that we just need to remember to check the case spreadsheet. (So, I thought, if you had changed it by yourself when you noticed the problem, the client wouldn't think we are incompetent and we wouldn't be having this conversation? You're right, Secretary X, we should all remember that the file is wrong instead. THAT makes more sense.Not to mention what a huge waste of time it is to have to double check every case number, claim number, etc. whenever you draft something.)

I told her she was being ridiculous. That went over well (you're right, it didn't).

Firing Secretary X

I don't have experience with being fired, witnessing the firing of others, or holding the ax. My ideas about "firing" comes from the few Celebrity Apprentice episodes I have watched. (Shut up! It is real!!)

So, my mind has been pondering what the inevitable firing of Secretary X will look like. Here is what I envision:

B-Dub will ask Secretary X to come meet in his office. B-Dub will shut the door behind her and she will sit across from him in his big boss-man chair. Secretary X will immediately start snarling and showing her incisors in a rat-like attempt to intimidate B-Dub into letting her keep the job she doesn't like or want -- after all, it has always worked before.

B-Dub will tell Secretary X that, among other things, her no call no show on a trial day was unacceptable and that she is no longer employed here and she will need to pack-up her personal belongings.

Stunned, Secretary X will say that, after all her poor judgment, whining, attitude and bad work ethic, she just can't understand why this is happening to her. He will explain to her that he cannot accept her behavior and that it has been a long time coming.

Secretary X will start laughing hysterically and repeat quotes from "The Office." She will jump up onto B-Dub's desk warewolf-style and scutter around crouched on his desk "froggy style," dusting the papers off his desk with her growing spiny tail.

At this point, she is full-on monster. Fangs, scales, fur, talons, you name it.

She will hop around in circles, bouncing off the ceilings and walls, before leaping out of his office, onto the elevator, and out of my life FOREVER!!!  Buahahahahaha!!

C'est la vie

Today, I am further disheartened.

This is in follow-up to yesterday's blog entitled "Is She Really Gone?" Link: http://superlegalfun.blogspot.com/2011/05/is-she-really-gone.html.  See also this blog post regarding her behavior on Monday: http://superlegalfun.blogspot.com/2011/05/secretary-x-huffed-and-puffed-and-blew.html)

Secretary X showed up today like nothing happened the last couple days.  The really strange part is that EVERYONE acted like nothing happened. I felt like I was in the twilight zone or something. Did yesterday really happen or exist? Am I living in parallel time dimensions? No, it couldn't be... or could it? This is all very confusing.

Well, at least that's what I thought until about 3:00 this afternoon. B-Dub invited me into his office to talk about one of our cases and closed the door behind me. "Here we go," I thought.

He asked and I explained what happened the other day and that she pulled some MAJOR attitude in front of a major client. I think he was a bit offended (maybe an ounce or so). I explained that there will be interoffice personnel conflicts no matter who you employ, but imposing your attitude on a client and threatening the firm's biggest business relationship is unacceptable. He agreed.

He also said that when he fired people in the past, he found afterward that he waited too long. I agreed that was usually true. We also discussed other options we knew of to replace Secretary X.

He told me at the end of the conversation that how Secretary behaves today will determine whether she's here tomorrow.  (He's right, you know, we should ignore everything she's done to date, including yesterday's no-call no-show.)

He and Associate met with Secretary briefly -- very briefly (less than five minutes). Secretary X came out perky, sugary sweet and with the best facade of a good attitude she could possibly bring herself to exude. *PUKE*

She obviously wasn't fired.  B-Dub wimped-out. Really? Yes, really.

I am pissed.

How far does someone have to push the ax button before the ax actually falls? That is just another semi-ambiguous question, similar to "How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?" Everyone assumes there is an objective answer, but no matter how long you wait it out, progress is still so far away.

I think this was a terrible business decision.  She will not change. She will continue to cause problems, and the firm will suffer because of her. He had the support of the whole office to cut her dead weight, and he turned his head.

C'est la vie.

Is she really gone?

Secretary X may now be X-Secretary!!

Secretary X was a no-call, no-show today.

Ha!

Secretary X huffed and puffed and blew down the copier!

Yesterday was the first day of a trial for one of my cases. Things are bound to be rushed on the first day. No matter how much you prepare, there are still things to do once people start lying on the stand. Secretary X does not understand this evidently, because she was walking around huffing and puffing (without residual buliding structure collapse) because everyone was spending time on the trial instead of helping her. So, imagine her surprise and disgust when I asked to cut-in at the copier to make some mid-trial exhibits that B-Dub needed ASAP.   Secretary X slammed her hands down on the copier, jammed it and walked away. I tried to fix the jam, but to no avail. It kept jamming, likely because she knocked a part loose. After several jam clears and re-jams, the copier gave up, stopped working and said a service call was required.  I was, however, able to scan documents and print them from my printer (genius Superlegal). I should really express my gratitude to Secretary X for her outbursts. They so greatly enrich everyone's life.

I was also appalled when she threw a hissy fit right in front of a Big Insurance Client (who gives us about half of our work). What could have caused that? Well, the Big Insurance Client asked where our insured was, after he didn't show up for his deposition preparation meeting.  Wait just a minute, Big Insurance Client!! You can NOT talk to Secretary X like that! You should telepathically know where the insured is. How dare you!! Secretary X agreed that Big Insurance Client was rude to ask such a question. Secretary X threw her papers down on her desk, took a loud, deep breath, and, with all the attitude she could muster, explained that she sent them a letter to come to our office, "as [she] always does." I'm glad she set Big Insurance Client straight. As Secretary X demonstrated, you should not take such abuse from anyone, including Big Insurance Client(s).

Wait, it doesn't end there.  All day, Secretary X huffed past my desk every 30 minutes to go smoke. I am all for people taking regular breaks - they are absolutely necessary for our sanity (although not always feasible). But when you are gone from your desk more than you're at you're desk, that's when you are doing it right! Not to mention her head was down on her desk the times she was at her desk. Now that's how you do it. Con your way through a job sleeping and smoking and doing no work whatsoever. What a dream!

Now, for new readers, please don't send me hate-mail because I'm writing about someone who was having a bad day. Look back through my blogs. You will see this is NORMAL behavior for her. Please direct your hate-mail to her.

Discovery excerpt of the day

I asked Secretary X to type the client's draft answers to interrogatories. Here's one summarized example of SEVERAL answers:

Interrogatory No. 1: Have you ever been involved in litigation prior to the subject lawsuit?

Answer: No.

Interrogatory No. 2: If your answer to the preceeding interrogatory was in the affirmative, please list the lawsuits you have been involved in prior to this lawsuit.

Answer: [CLIENT LEFT THIS ONE BLANK.]

I guess the client is smarter than Secretary X because she knows how to READ!

Bad economy = job security for Secretary X?

Y'all might be surprised to know that Secretary X started as a temp-to-hire with my firm. I wasn't there at the time to witness such reckless abandon of all sanity. Thank goodness I wasn't, because my screams of horror probably would have gotten me fired. Employers keep people for a number of reasons, such as being on the hook for unemployment, or keeping a warm body in a chair. But Secretary X? Nope, they had no reason to keep her except that she did awesome work. Obviously, if that were true then, it's certainly not the case now. 

What is with employers these days? If it is such a terrible economy, and there are so many good people looking for jobs, why is it that employees who obviously don't deserve or like their job manage to keep their job?!?!?!?!

Awesome Email from Secretary X, Part 3

Here's another awesome email exchange yesterday with Secretary X.  Note: rescheduling a trial is HER job, which she decided she would assign to me yesterday for some unknown reason.   It's funny, she is MY secretary and she is now assigning HER work to ME.  What is wrong with this picture?   [MY COMMENTS ARE IN CAPS.]
------------------------
To: Superlegal
From: Secretary X
Please coordinate and handle trial reset, if it is going to be reset.
------------------------
[CAN I GET YOU A CUP OF COFFEE AND SCHEDULE YOU A MASSAGE WHILE I'M AT IT?]
-----------------------
To: Secretary X
From: Superlegal
It's my understanding that there is a conflict with the ABC v. XYZ case and that Associate already talked to you about getting it reset. Is that not the case? This needs to be dealt with ASAP to avoid an ex parte appearance to reset.
------------------------
[ASSOCIATE HAS BEEN TELLING HER TO DO IT FOR MONTHS AND MOST RECENTLY LAST WEEK DUE TO THE CONFLICT WITH THE ABC V. XYZ TRIAL. SHE HAS TWO DAYS LEFT TO DO IT.]
-----------------------
To: Superlegal
From:  Secretary X
It is not a conflict with the ABC v. XYZ case. And I can't deal with it ASAP. Maybe opposing counsel can since he failed to do so last time.
-----------------------
[WELL, SHE'S WRONG. THERE IS A CONFLICT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW SHE DOESN'T THINK THERE IS A CONFLICT WHEN THE SAME ATTORNEY HAS TWO TRIALS SCHEDULED ON THE SAME DAY. DOES B-DUB HAVE A CLONE I'M NOT AWARE OF?]

(SUPER-ASSOCIATE COMES TO THE RESCUE [INSERT AWESOME SUPERHERO MUSIC HERE -- DUH, DUH DUH DUH, DUH DUH DUH DUH!!!])
------------------------
To: Secretary X
From: Associate
Superlegal cannot bill to reschedule the trial. Please contact opposing counsel and find a mutual trial date so that we can get a date certain trial date. Then, please get the trial reset. Thanks.
-----------------------
[THANK YOU, ASSOCIATE, FOR EXPLAINING TO SECRETARY WHY IT'S HER JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE. NOT THAT IT WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE, BUT IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER TO HAVE SOMEONE ON MY SIDE BACKING ME UP AGAINST THE EVIL THAT IS SECRETARY X.]
-----------------------
To: Associate
From: Secretary X
I can't get into this for awhile because I am too backed up. I don't see billing is an issue.
------------------------
[TRANSLATION: ASSOCIATE OR SUPERLEGAL NEED TO DO IT IN THE NEXT TWO DAYS, OR ASSOCIATE WILL HAVE TO MAKE A COURT APPEARANCE AT EX PARTE TO RESET THE TRIAL.]
[ALSO, SECRETARY X DOESN'T SEE BILLING AS AN ISSUE BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T BILL HER TIME. SHE DOESN'T HAVE A BILLABLE HOUR REQUIREMENT TO MEET. SHE WON'T LOSE HER JOB IF SHE DOESN'T MAKE THE YEARLY REQUIREMENT. RIDICULOUS!!]
[LAST THING: SHE PROBABLY CAN'T DO IT ASAP BECAUSE SHE TOOK A ---FOUR---HOUR---LUNCH---- YESTERDAY. NEED I SAY MORE?]