I learned today from an out-of-the-office auto-reply email from B-Dub that Secretary X was promoted to a "legal assistant."
WHAT THE CRAP? Are you [blank]ing kidding me? On what planet does someone, who should be fired, get PROMOTED? Not in the normal world, I thought.
Draft response to said auto-reply email:
You, evidently, must have thought it was opposite day when you lost your [blank]ing mind and promoted that good for less-than-nothing lump outside your office (no offense, lumps). I had no idea you were so close to the edge of your wooden rocker that you would fall off so easily into the briar patch where Secretary X awaits to pounce your brainless [almost] corpse.
Well, you're not here to witness the wrath of little miss Owns-The-World while you're basking in the sun. So, on my way out the turnstile employee door, I will do you a favor and let you know that the power trip you have put into motion is sure to end in the demise of your firm, and likely your career. Please let me know the contact information for your malpractice carrier so that I can give them the notice they require from you, their insured.
You are out of your mind and you will likely live just long enough through the forthcoming torture of your new "assistant" to realize the error of your ways. (By the way, the only thing she assists you with is screwing your career over.) I took the liberty of kissing your career goodbye, because it will be long gone before you realize how you screwed up. It WILL be too late at that point, if you're wondering.
Me? H-E-Double hockey sticks, no, I am not sticking around to watch your idiotic choices come full circle. I may be a miracle worker, but you need more than a miracle to save you; you need common sense. That, darling, is not something I can teach you. You sunk this boat, you can go right on down with it, Captain Stupid!
PS. I hope the warm fuzzies you got from promoting Moron of the Year will keep you company in the mental ward when you destroy each other. Happy lawyering!