Thursday, August 18, 2011

What the crap, you [blanking] moron?!?!?!?!

I learned today from an out-of-the-office auto-reply email from B-Dub that Secretary X was promoted to a "legal assistant."
WHAT THE CRAP? Are you [blank]ing kidding me? On what planet does someone, who should be fired, get PROMOTED? Not in the normal world, I thought.

Draft response to said auto-reply email:

Dear B-Dub:

You, evidently, must have thought it was opposite day when you lost your [blank]ing mind and promoted that good for less-than-nothing lump outside your office (no offense, lumps). I had no idea you were so close to the edge of your wooden rocker that you would fall off so easily into the briar patch where Secretary X awaits to pounce your brainless [almost] corpse.

Well, you're not here to witness the wrath of little miss Owns-The-World while you're basking in the sun. So, on my way out the turnstile employee door, I will do you a favor and let you know that the power trip you have put into motion is sure to end in the demise of your firm, and likely your career. Please let me know the contact information for your malpractice carrier so that I can give them the notice they require from you, their insured.

You are out of your mind and you will likely live just long enough through the forthcoming torture of your new "assistant" to realize the error of your ways. (By the way, the only thing she assists you with is screwing your career over.) I took the liberty of kissing your career goodbye, because it will be long gone before you realize how you screwed up. It WILL be too late at that point, if you're wondering.

Me? H-E-Double hockey sticks, no, I am not sticking around to watch your idiotic choices come full circle. I may be a miracle worker, but you need more than a miracle to save you; you need common sense. That, darling, is not something I can teach you.  You sunk this boat, you can go right on down with it, Captain Stupid!


PS. I hope the warm fuzzies you got from promoting Moron of the Year will keep you company in the mental ward when you destroy each other. Happy lawyering!


  1. When city supervisors want to get rid of an employee, but can't, they promote them so they no longer have to work with them, making them someone else's nightmare. These are people who, for whatever reason, can't be fired. Often it's due to politics or because they have something they can hang over their superior's head. Might this be her situation, b/c no reasonably intelligent person would promote someone like her?

  2. I WISH that were the case. Unfortunately, she will still be working for the same people and I have no chance of a new secretary anytime soon. :-(

  3. Maybe you should try doing far less, being nasty and incompetent while doing little to nothing, and tick more people in the office off? Just think what heights your could reach and how much more money you could be making!

    I know this really isn't funny to you but I laughed SO hard reading it... sorry, honey...

  4. Mom: Thanks! What great advice! I will just become a big loser; that's job security at my firm, evidently!

  5. Corporate ParalegalAugust 19, 2011

    Unbelievable. Are you sure you don't work for a corporation? We like to promote morons. This is absolutely unbelievable. She has to have some dirt on someone!

    Good luck-
    Corporate Paralegal

  6. Never thought about a possible blackmail motive... interesting.

  7. Several firms ago, I worked in the same kind of environment. Managing (and sole Equity) Partner was sleeping with three of the staff. All three were utterly incompetent, and when our office manager tried to fire one of them, he fired the office manager instead. Being a guy and knowing I couldn't get ahead by sleeping with him, I quickly got another job.

  8. Blackmail, blackmail, blackmail.

    Is she sleeping with one of them?

    I worked in gov't. The way people got promoted was bitching like this person and inventing a title for themselves. Part of the reason the promotion happened was because people started believing the bullshit that the workers would fling around.

  9. GH and AA: I couldn't imagine sge was sleeping with him, and you wouldn't believe it either if you saw her. There must be something else I'm missing.