Thursday, June 30, 2011

Ownership is a relative term

I thought the copier on my floor belonged to the firm. Turns out, it actually belongs to Secretary X.

I copied some documents today for an expert. Secretary X came into the copy room and asked if the copy job going was mine.  I confirmed it was. She flipped through the pages on the copier, as if she was counting them, grunted, and walked out of the copy room in a huff with her letters.

How dare I not ask permission to share her toys!

Funny firing email

If I were in charge , I think it goes without saying that I would fire Secretary X (for real this time). Here is my draft email to her:


Dear Secretary X, you worthless insufficient-ling:

You are fired. You failed to measure up to the low standards your coworkers had no problem meeting.

We have all suffered in silence throughout your reign, but we will no more.

Please do not ask for a reference because you don't deserve one.

We wish you continued success in all your future endeavors. Thank you for terrorizing our firm. We will truly appreciate your quiet desk when you are gone.



What? Too short?

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Top 10 ways to get fired

First, please understand, this list was created by Beverly West at Monster. I didn't come up with these, so no hate mail. This is worthy of reposting, only because I can comment on how ridiculous it is that someone actually was paid to come up with this list of actions that will result in getting fired. I guess it could be useful guidance for someone without any work ethics.

1. Lying on Your Job Application or Resume

I had no idea they would fire you for that. Well, I guess I better break into the HR director's filing cabinet, steal my old resume and replace it with an accurate one. Then, I won't get fired.

2. Being Indiscreet About Your Job Hunt

I tend to disagree with this one. Announcing your eventual departure in advance of your resignation makes employers look for someone to fill that gap quickly. If the new person is available sooner, you bet your socks you'll have about 40 hours more free time to spend at (Perhaps this article is a marketing ploy for Monster.)

3. Gossiping

How else will the world go 'round? Gossip is a necessity, like breathing, to some people - some unemployed people that is.

4. Taking Too Many Personal Calls

Secretary X and JD are repeat offenders, and their calls can be heard around the office sometimes. Based on that, I firmly believe you will, in fact, not be fired for personal calls.

5. Drinking at Work

Hold that bottle just one minute. You mean to tell me that my liquid sanity will get me fired? I just don't know quite how to feel about this, I guess I need to go to everyone's desk and dump their liquid sanity down the sink. The firm couldn't function if everyone got fired, right. I'm doing everyone a big favor.

6. Surfing the Web Excessively

Excessively is subjective. You should probably ask your employer how many hours of web surfing is acceptable so that you don't cross that line.

7. Becoming Romantically Involved with the Boss

Gross. Just gross.

8. Forgetting to Double-Check Your Figures

I like to check mine in the office windows as I walk down the hall, and in the full-length mirror in the women's restroom.

9. Alienating Your Coworkers

Evidently, you will not get fired for this at my firm. In fact, you can alienate coworkers, assault them with keyboards, and no call-no show, and there will be no consequences whatsoever. It's an art, brought to you by Secretary X. She should probably write a column for

10. Pointing the Finger at Everyone but Yourself

But it's THEIR fault, who else are you going to blame?

(Link to full article:

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Sign I want to post all over the office

Your mom doesn't work here. If she did, she would tell you she isn't your maid either.

Friday, June 17, 2011

11 things you shouldn't do during a staff meeting

This list may be a little surprising to some people.  Trust me, you shouldn't do these things at a staff meeting.

1. Do not fall asleep.

2. Do not write "lawyer," "client," or any other obscenities on the forehead of the sleeping coworker next to you (despite the fact that s/he broke Rule #1 above). Remember, you could be the next victim.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Secretary X's disappearing act

Secretary X has a habit of disappearing for several hours. Today, B-Dub and Associate were at a mediation trying to get in touch with her for hours. They never did. Will this be the push B-Dub needs to can her? Probably not.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Thong Tha-thong thong thong

Last Friday, Secretary X wore thong sandals to work. These weren't the fashionable, dressier type. These were worn out, grungy $2.00 flip flops that she has probably worn for 10 years. It was disgusting. All, without a good pedicure.

Now I see why mean partner hates casual Friday - the term casual can be dangerous in the wrong hands.

Pure. Horror.