One of JD's career choices

JD told me he used to be a used car salesman. Life makes a little more sense now.

Dear JD: What exactly did you learn in law school?

JD is an attorney (hence the nickname JD), but couldn't find a lawyer job, so he took a job with our firm as a Paralegal.

Today, he asked what ABN and LR meant.

For those who don't live in a law office, you may not know that those acronyms stand for "associated business name" and "local rule."

That's right. He didn't know LR meant local rule. Oh the humanity, bring me some sticks to draw that man a picture on the wall of his cave!!

One day, my superpowers as Superlegal will be a force to recon with.  On that day, justice will dillute the evil cesspool of posers who attempt to practice law.

Until then, I will stick to my pranks. Some pranks I thought of to play on JD:

Ignorance is no excuse for the profession

Letter JD mailed to the courthouse in Salem today, February 18:

Dear Clerk:

Enclosed is Document A and Document B. They are due to the judge February 18, 2011.

Sincerely,
JD

MY RESPONSE:

Dear Genious JD:

There are two problems with your letter that you failed to notice:

(1) Bad grammar: "is" should be "are" because there are two documents; and

(2) Bad timing: mailing something doesn't get it to its destination the same day. Therefore, you can't mail something the day it is due.

Sincerely,
Superlegal

Receptionist refuses to take names

The receptionist, for some unknown reason, refuses to ask callers' names. She just passes the callers along without introduction and expects us to drop what we're doing to find out what case they are calling about, and what attorney or paralegal or secretary should handle the call.

Today, Secretary X was complaining that it caused major issues because an attorney called for a conference call at the wrong time, which snowballed into issue after issue.

No, that was not a typo. SECRETARY X was complaining about someone not fulfilling their job description. 

Thoughts that came to mind:
1.  Takes one to know one.
2.  Pot calling the kettle lazy.
3.  Go drink a tall glass of grow the ________ up and ask the caller yourself. You're not that far off from being a receptionist.
4.  When I wish upon a star, my wishes come true.
5.  Payback's a _________.
6.  Cocktail, anyone?
7.  Is she STILL talking?
8.  Do you think she would notice/ stop yammering on if I ran back to my desk and got some popcorn for this show?
9.  Karma's a ________.
10.  What's her name again, and why is she talking to me?  And why am I still listening?
11. She's wasting my air.

Giggle.

JD gives legal advice

JD advised Paralegal-Clerk about how to do something today, the same something HGL Partner recently yelled at him about doing wrong.

I looked for the nearest exit, and it was UPSTAIRS. Ahhhhh! I'm truly living in a horror film!

Double win for me!

JD got pulled into B-Dub's office - closed door style - today. JD does not work for him, so I was intrigued.

Turns out, JD is preparing Happy-Go-Lucky Partner for trial and it's JD's first one. My, how he is growing up! Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Well, Vannah was assigned the lovely supervising Paralegal position. Thank goodness. I got super lucky because I had to supervise the last trial over Partner's daughter, whom I really like, and I would have hated - HATED - having to deal with JD's wanna be know-it-all, better-than-everyone-else attitude. I just hope the next trial isn't one I get assigned to with him. Poor Vannah!

He went back to his desk, like the eager back end of a beaver that he is, and started an audio CLE on how useful diagrams are at trial. ( Did you know there are lots of different kinds of diagrams? No, it's true.) He turned it up so loud that the whole office could hear it and one of the partners told him to turn it down. Come on, didn't you go to law school? I think diagrams are the least of his worries.

Secretary also got assigned to help JD. DOUBLE WIN FOR ME! How many people does it take to assist one person? Seriously? It's not a big trial. She came to me later with the Jury Instructions I drafted for my last trial and handed me a marked-up draft and a book. She asked me if I knew why B-Dub handed her the book.  "Yes," I said, "and I also know why you didn't bother to ask him when he handed it to you." Two mysteries, solved!

In any event, I was not assigned to supervise the trial, and couldn't be happier about that.

JD defends his awesomeness

Two court reporters showed up to take a deposition of OUR client at our office. Surprise, surprise, JD was the one that scheduled the extra court reporter. Unless you hear otherwise, it is ALWAYS the opposing attorney's office's job to schedule the court reporter to take the deposition of your client. This is because the person who schedules the court reporter is responsible for the bill. AND, what do you care if the opposing attorney screws up their own deposition? YOU DON'T! Let people fail, that's my motto. There are exceptions to the rule, but this case was no exception.

Now, everyone makes mistakes (JD more than others), but when you are confronted about your mistakes, under NO circumstances do you defend your decisions/actions as JD did, as follows:

1. Explain that there was nothing in writing about the other side scheduling a court reporter (though, he should have called opposing counsel if he was SO worried about it);

2. Explain to your attorney boss how awesome you are because you took [unnecessary] initiative; and

3. Tell your attorney boss they should be grateful because it's "better two court reporters were scheduled instead of none."

BALLSY!

Happy-Go-Lucky Partner brushed it off and explained to JD the correct way to do things. He should have told him it was better to get it right than to cost the firm all the cancellation fees (that can't be billed to the client).

And the cherry on top: Passive-Aggressive Paralegal chimed in to let everyone know she had no hand in this mix-up. Awesomeness!

Super (dumb) questions from JD, The Law Man

1. He asked Secretary X for a sample dismissal order. I guess typing "The parties having settled all claims, the Court being fully advised, this matter is hereby dismissed." is way too much for him. I can't wait until the case gets dismissed for want of prosecution because he doesn't know you need a dismissal order AND a general judgment!

2. He also asked Secretary X today how to schedule a telephonic deposition. He wondered if he needed to schedule a court reporter. GEEZ! I guess everyone will just agree at trial about what the deponent said for impeachment purposes. I really can't wait for the inevitable question: Transcript? What's a transcript?

Attention law schools: please teach these baby lawyers something useful, like how to practice law!

Fire drill

JD was on a tele-hearing this morning when the fire alarm went off.  I can't imagine being a fish out of legal water and then throw in some mind-numbing fire alarm screaching. He didn't know what to do and hung up on the Judge. HA!

There was a fire in the elevator, by the way. Three fire trucks, a sweet nonfat chai, good coffee house chatter, and an hour later, I finally got back to work.

Did I mention JD lost? [DOUBLE HA!]

Isn't the internet wonderful?

JD asked Passive Aggressive Paralegal how to get a copy of a DMV accident report today. Then he asked if he could get one online.

Why did you tell the Judge that?

B-Dub reported for trial assignment the day before trial. There weren't enough judges for all the cases that were ready, so the assigning judge asked who had cases close to settlement. To B-Dub's amazement (and mine), the opposing attorney told the judge our case was nearly settled. (See my older post called "Why don't I stop preparing my case for trial so I can get yours ready for you.")

Now, this is not THAT unusual. So, you might be wondering why it is noteworthy...

Because the two-faced, lying attorney who reported the case settled REFUSED TO MAKE ANY SORT OF SETTLEMENT OFFER at anytime during the litigation on a clear case of liability on his client's part. (Not to mention prepare his own __________ case for trial!)

When B-Dub returned to the office and told me what happened, he told me they scheduled the case for a settlement conference instead. I was pissed beyond pissed at that point because:

(1) I had been working my _____ off for two months because the moron before me knew only how to screw things up;

(2) I had been working excruciatingly long hours getting everything ready while he was in Florida the two weeks immediately preceeding trial; and

(3) MOST IMPORTANTLY, I suggested a settlement conference to force the other attorney to put some money on the table in good faith ON MY FIRST DAY AT THE FIRM BEFORE I HAD REVIEWED ANYTHING IN THE FILE! (Negotiating in good faith is required by state law.)

So then it was off to the races to reschedule the cop, our experts and witnesses (some of which were out of the state).

Now, it's not B-Dub's fault the case didn't go to trial, but come on people, listen to me in the first place and these things won't happen. THAT, my friends, is not only a hard lesson to learn, it's impossible to teach!

One day, everyone will gain a sense of intellegence and make me their queen. Until then, I will nag and throw out the "I told you so"s like the gracious awesomeness that I am. 

YOU'RE WELCOME!

Synonyms #1

Draft paper = cheap paper
-JD