1. LAWYERS PRACTICE LAW.
Truth: Lawyers do not practice law. Lawyers practice:
A. Whining like a baby until they get their way.
B. Procrastinating as a test to see how many hoops their paralegals can jump through (like show dogs) before they quit.
C. Taking credit for everyone else's work.
D. Avoiding reality.
E. Sharpening their gaming skills in between barking-out emails giving wrong instructions about cases they either know nothing about, or don't understand.
2. LAWYERS WHO PASS THE BAR ARE QUALIFIED TO GIVE ADVICE.
Truth: Law school teaches you where to find answers (sort of), not how to apply it. Really, they shouldn't be advising anyone but their pet show dogs about how to jump through hoops.
3. LAWYERS ARE SMART.
Truth: Those who can't, go to law school to feel important. I think lawyers wrote the "I am so smart. S-M-R-T." song for Homer Simpson. Lawyers simply know how to cheat on the bar exam.
4. LAWYERS FOLLOW THE LAW.
Truth: Lawyers know how to get away with breaking the law.
5. LAWYERS STRIVE TO ENFORCE THE LETTER OF THE LAW.
Truth: Lawyers are always looking for ways around the law for their clients as practice for when they get caught breaking the law themselves.
6. THE LAW IS FAIR, UNBIASED AND OBJECTIVE.
Truth: Nope. Wear something low-cut on your next court date. (Yep, I said it.) Judges find ways to enforce their own feelings. Their decisions are not based on the law, the law is based on the judges' feelings.
7. LAWYERS GET RICH ON RESULTS-BASED FEE CASES. ("I GET PAID WHEN YOU DO.")
Truth: The lawyers who get rich get paid for every hour they work, whether they win or not.
8. LAWYERS CARE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL.
Truth: Your feelings just get in the way and they just act like they care.
9. LAWYERS DO THEIR OWN WORK.
Truth: They break all the rules we learned in school. They take credit for their hard-working paralegal's work and they plagerize as much as possible.
10. LAWYERS ENJOY HEARING THEIR PARALEGALS' OPINIONS.
Truth: Lawyers enjoy it when you agree with them. If you don't agree with them, you must be a spy from opposing counsel's office, and you must be fired/ die at once.
I'll add Lawyers Do Not Like To Throw Shoes At Their Paralegals.
ReplyDeleteTruth- I had an attorney who I swear threw his shoes at me at least three times a day. Thank God he was old and had bad aim. Bastard.
Paralegal Hell
Myth: Lawyers are human beings.
ReplyDeleteTruth: Graduating from law school removes your humanity and replaces it with something incompatible with humanity.
@PH: did you gather them, spray paint them different colors ans draw mad faces on them? Just wondering because I say join someone when they're acting like a 2 year old. (Actually, my 2 year old learned not to throw shoes about 6 months ago. I don't want to give 2 year-olds a bad name.)
ReplyDelete@Grumpy: Welcome to my blog! You're so right. Any sign of a human is sucked out of them. I guess that may be why so many real humans drop out of law school their first year.
I constantly list contradiction after contradiction every day about "Myth v. Reality of Lawyers" and I really think you nailed some classics.
ReplyDeleteAnother one? "Lawyers are hired to make sure their clients are well taken care of" vs. "Lawyers want to see just how much money they can milk before the case inevitably settles."
Good job on the blog, glad to see another real life para out there! PH showed me the way :)
Ha! This is great! Paralegal Hell sent me here :)
ReplyDelete@Elizabeth: So glad to have you! I hope you'll continue to join me in my misery. :0)
ReplyDeleteNumber 10 is a definite.
ReplyDelete