Thursday, February 17, 2011

Awesomeness, Part III: Reasons defense law work rocks more than plaintiff work!

For those of you who don't know the difference, plaintiffs file the lawsuit. Defendants are the ones getting sued who are the alleged wrongdoers. I primarilly represent defendants.


(1) You get to poke your nose into other people's medical records, criminal backgrounds, psych records, business records, etc. and they don't have a choice about it. Watch out! I will expose your sexual escapades outside your marriage and bring you down like the cockroach plaintiff you are.

(2) Your paycheck isn't based on results, it's based on the time you spend working on the case. You also don't have to wait to get paid until after the case is over. Cha-ching, baby!

(3) It's a good day when you knock a quadraplegic's payout down a few million dollars. Too bad, so sad we're smarter than plaintiff's attorney!

(4) My clients know I am billing them for every second I spend on the phone or responding to their emails. Because my clients are all about minimizing their fees, they only call me when it's important. I find great delight when my clock runs to 6 minutes, 1 second and I get to bill for 12 minutes!!! (They agreed to those rules, and it's industry standard, so I don't want to hear it!)

(5) My clients make (usually) logic-based business decisions because they are not invested emotionally in the outcome and whether they are "heard." Plaintiffs are usually whiny and try to use their attorney for free psychotherapy. Note: If you're a plaintiff, your attorney cares less about your mental state than I do, because it WEAKENS your case.

(6) We don't look for work like ambulance chasers, the work comes to us. Yep, that's how important I am.

(7) We get to be the first to point out when plaintiffs' attorneys missed their deadlines to move their case forward, and we revel in it!

(8) We have the resources to PREPARE a case for trial. We do prepare, unlike our plaintiff counterparts. And we look AWESOME doing it - lots of fireworks and razzle dazzle!

Yay for defense! For all you litigious plaintiffs, watch out! Ha!

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