Best news in months!!!

Secretary X is looking for a new job because they won't hire someone to help her.

AND she's planning to ask a partner that recently came from another firm if he'll make a few phone calls for her.  Um, likely not, I would guess.

Things are looking up!

OMG, there ARE people more full of themselves than me!

I went to a lunch CLE (seminar) on ethics today. They spoke about Ethics for about half the time.  The other was filled as follows:

Person 1:  Explained how she was a board member of a local historical society and they are "honoring" her with a "tribute" display of her "memorabilia." She went on to explain that she was in many, many movies with "big" actors (and named EVERY MOVIE -- like 30 of them). She also talked about how she overheard someone visiting her tribute say "[Ego Chick] sure was something!" She name dropped about half a million celebs. She ended her speach by plugging her agent and introducing her "driver" and photographer. She is now a Paralegal.

Later, other paralegals gloated about how impressive their resumes are and how they are Very Important People.

When I asked a question about one of the topics, some weird chick with a terrible haircut spoke up to tell us every detail of her case management system and how she routinely CYAs herself by having email approvals for everything she does. SERIOUSLY?  People with real caseloads, who actually accomplish more than applying bureaucratic red tape don't have the time to do that crap and it PISSES PEOPLE OFF (including yours truly, who had to listen to that BS). Not to mention, most bosses refuse to read/respond to email.

I've been to other CLEs by the speakers and they have good and valuable information to share. Because of the time it took to listen to the aforementioned, they didn't have enough time to finish all their material. Ugh!

At least I know I would be no better off at another firm, and quite possibly, it would be worse.

Who's got a target on her back? (This chick!)

Thanks to Mean Partner, I now have a huge target on my back.

Useful background info for this story:

(1) Mean Partner, straight-up 1950s style still hands-out paychecks to all the employees. If you have direct deposit, he still hands you your paystub.

(2) When they hired me, they told me I would not be getting a raise until January 2012 because they hired me at a wage higher than any other Paralegal at their firm and I would only have worked there 3 months before the January 2011 raises. I agreed that was fair and to keep it confidential.

Now, I have done some pretty miraculous things sitting at my desk over the last few months I have worked there. They call my desk the cancer. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that cancer is almost in remission, if I don't say so myself.

So, I was excited when Mean Partner handed me my fake paycheck (thank you direct deposit) and announced to me in front of the rest of the staff that they decided to give me a raise. "How awesome, unexppected, and timely," I thought.

That was, until I realized everyone else was getting their paycheck without the same announcement. Not only am I one of the newest employees, I got a raise when no one else did. The glares I got as I left the copy room were deadly. So, was this just another cruel prank by mean partner? Does this happen all the time? And what happened to confidentiality?

Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful to have a job and to have an increasing salary. I know many people are not so lucky or fortunate.

But way to ruin morale, Mean Partner. You can even make getting a raise bitter-sweet. Congratulations, you earned your name.

Projectiles and horse sounds

Five weeks ago, Secretary X was told to schedule depositions within 60 days. The way that happens is, she is given a status report with a note to schedule them. I needed to send another report today and she still hadn't done it. I gave her the finished report with another note to schedule them. She told me she "already knew [she] was supposed to do it." I said "Huh."  --Like you could have fooled me because it's not done!

Secretary X assigns B-Dub her work

Secretary X came to me at the end of the day and asked if I put two "heavy" packages in the outgoing mail bin. (They were one inch thick.) I told her I did. Thereafter, I was the cornered recipient of the following rage:

The post office removed all the mailboxes on our block. So now, the person who takes the mail must walk three blocks away. Her bus stop is right by the mailbox, so she always gets stuck taking the mail. Now, this was not a problem until we started having all these very heavy packages, but that happens daily now and she "can't keep doing this." She said she "is just going to have to ASSIGN that job to B-Dub because he drives, so he can just circle around the block."

I told her "Good luck!"

That chick has abnormally large balls to suggest that a partner handle her work. I soooo wish I could have heard that conversation. But hey, at least I'm not part of that food chain for this Secretary X issue!

Receptionist refuses to take names

The receptionist, for some unknown reason, refuses to ask callers' names. She just passes the callers along without introduction and expects us to drop what we're doing to find out what case they are calling about, and what attorney or paralegal or secretary should handle the call.

Today, Secretary X was complaining that it caused major issues because an attorney called for a conference call at the wrong time, which snowballed into issue after issue.

No, that was not a typo. SECRETARY X was complaining about someone not fulfilling their job description. 

Thoughts that came to mind:
1.  Takes one to know one.
2.  Pot calling the kettle lazy.
3.  Go drink a tall glass of grow the ________ up and ask the caller yourself. You're not that far off from being a receptionist.
4.  When I wish upon a star, my wishes come true.
5.  Payback's a _________.
6.  Cocktail, anyone?
7.  Is she STILL talking?
8.  Do you think she would notice/ stop yammering on if I ran back to my desk and got some popcorn for this show?
9.  Karma's a ________.
10.  What's her name again, and why is she talking to me?  And why am I still listening?
11. She's wasting my air.

Giggle.

Happy Birthday, Secretary X

My husband and I planned to go to lunch together today. I was so excited because it's been a rare occassion lately, and we haven't spent much time together recently (even though he works across the street, oh, and we LIVE TOGETHER -my fault, not his). Our schedules at work have been such that we just haven't seen/talked much.

So, we were making awesome plans to have a nice sit down lunch out, and BAM! Secretary X strikes again! I get an email that we are all REQUIRED to attend a pizza lunch birthday party to celebrate Secretary X's existence. I got the email 15 minutes before I was supposed to leave.

I was bummed, not only because I wanted to see TDH, but I am not a big fan of pizza.

I was going to attend the drone's soiree and not eat, then leave for a real lunch, but TDH's schedule was too tight. So, devastated (bring on the violins), I drug myself to the "party."

Everyone arrived in the kitchen and we all waited, and waited, and waited, and waited.... for Secretary X to show up. Someone finally piped up and said she had gone downstairs to meet her daughter to pick-up a laptop bag.

She showed up 20 minutes late to her OWN party and said, "You guys didn't have to wait for me." Are you kidding me? Then she moaned about having to eat all alone because we all had to get back to work (you know, the stuff I'm forced to do against my will).

Lesson: throw knives and don't miss, or the idiots are likely to strike again, or worse, procreate.

Quote of the Day

"I'm on cold medication, so I can't be held accountable for my actions."
-JD

Awesome email exchange

Passive Aggressive Paralegal forwarded an email to HGL Partner's Sister, who is an attorney in our firm, from another attorney requesting info.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PARALEGAL: Do you want to respond to this email, or do you want me to?

PARTNER'S SISTER: What would you tell him in your response?

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PARALEGAL: I don't know.

THE END

Why would you offer to respond to something when you don't know the answer? Dumb!!!!

B-Dub's meeting that almost saved the Lawfirm Kingdom from the mean insurance company...

One morning, B-Dub wrote a fancy memo about how important it is to write books for insurance companies who pay our bill. The books (aka "status reports") do nothing to further the case along. They are a summary of the file we get FROM the insurance company so they don't have to read their own file. (Ever wonder where your premiums are spent? A report costs about $2,000-3,000.)

The big mean insurance company, who pays the big law firm's bill, sent a magical email to B-Dub sprinkled with pixie dust and warned B-Dub of the gloom that would fall upon the Kingdom of Lawfirm should they not get the reports faster from the Lawfirm Kingdom. Riddled with fear, B-Dub called a "Very Important Meeting" to emphasize the importance of the books/reports. All the little minions of Lawfirm Kingdom swarmed around B-Dub in interest and awe at his infinite wisdom. "Speach, speach, speach," they all demanded.

B-Dub gifted to them his words of wisdom. They all asked questions and participated in boosting B-Dub's ego. All of them, except one minion who saw through all the mysticism (yours truly). Not one word left my lips.

A "well-spent" hour later, everyone left the meeting with a renewed sense of the reports' importance and powers. I left the meeting with one hour less of my life.