Thursday, April 14, 2011

No-Bake Recipe to Make a Law Office


1. 2-3 jerks with JDs who think they can do it better than their last firm;

2. 1-2 paralegals who believe the lines the 2-3 jerks fed them to leave the last firm for a paycut and very few benefits;

3. Office space with corner offices for said jerks and no space for staff (paralegals don't need room to work, they just need computers, right?);

4. 20 rich clients to suck up to until said jerks have too much work.  At that point, the jerks will ignore their clients and route all contact through their paralegals while they go golfing;

5. A conference room and table big enough to feed their enormous egos;

6. Sock puppets (need I say more?);

7.  Doors on all rooms for secret meetings;

8. Very expensive pens (key to ego proliferation);

9. A letterhead design that shouts "WE ARE MSSRS. FANCY McFANCY-PANTS!"

10. Liquor cabinet and paper shot glasses (for the staff);

11. Cubicle golf for every attorney's office with monogramed clubs and balls;

12. Gold name plates that include their middle name and "Esq." (that's how fancy they are);

13. A cool name.  They will undoubtedly argue over whose last name comes first on the door (you know, the important things that are not at all childish);

14. Employment posters that have been crossed out in big fat black marker and read "just quit if you don't like my stupid rules."


16. Lots of stickies so the paralegals can write instructions on all the new office equipment the jerks will continue to break and jam and then leave for the staff to fix.


1. Chill jerks until they are as cold as can be and will not warm-up for the remainder of their career.

2.  Put staff "in-charge" of all tasks so they will do all the leg work to set up the firm, but don't let them actually make any decisions.

3. Move into said office.

4. Stir up the ugliness and watch the mess unfold.

  * Pairs well with a lifetime supply of the liquor of your choice.


  1. I need liquor in my office.

  2. You're missing clueless tech support, the poorly maintained file room and the lawyer's nephew "clerking" after law school because he failed the bar.

  3. @Grumpy: Oh so true!! How could I have forgotten those very common ingredients? Thanks for the additions!