Purgatory: a place for friends!!

Paralegal Hell has created a Purgatory Panel. It's awesome. Please check it out at http://board.paralegalhell.com/

Five [Not So] Exciting Changes to Superlegal Fun

1. I made it to 3,000 page views yesterday!! Thank you all for reading, and thank you to all my fellow bloggers for adding a link - please know that sending your readers my way does not go unnoticed.  In the spirit of paying that favor forward, I will add a new Awesomeness series featuring my fellow bloggers.

2. Added email. Send me an email at superlegalfun@gmail.com.

3. Added subscription options. Sign-up to get an email everytime I post something new! (Please contain your excitement.)

4. Added "Most Viewed Posts."

5. Discontinued the requirement to type the verification word when posting a comment. That requirement was annoying. If I get spam, I'll add it back in.

No-Bake Recipe to Make a Law Office

Ingredients:

1. 2-3 jerks with JDs who think they can do it better than their last firm;

2. 1-2 paralegals who believe the lines the 2-3 jerks fed them to leave the last firm for a paycut and very few benefits;

3. Office space with corner offices for said jerks and no space for staff (paralegals don't need room to work, they just need computers, right?);

4. 20 rich clients to suck up to until said jerks have too much work.  At that point, the jerks will ignore their clients and route all contact through their paralegals while they go golfing;

5. A conference room and table big enough to feed their enormous egos;

6. Sock puppets (need I say more?);

7.  Doors on all rooms for secret meetings;

8. Very expensive pens (key to ego proliferation);

9. A letterhead design that shouts "WE ARE MSSRS. FANCY McFANCY-PANTS!"

10. Liquor cabinet and paper shot glasses (for the staff);

11. Cubicle golf for every attorney's office with monogramed clubs and balls;

12. Gold name plates that include their middle name and "Esq." (that's how fancy they are);

13. A cool name.  They will undoubtedly argue over whose last name comes first on the door (you know, the important things that are not at all childish);

14. Employment posters that have been crossed out in big fat black marker and read "just quit if you don't like my stupid rules."

15. MORE LIQUOR!!

16. Lots of stickies so the paralegals can write instructions on all the new office equipment the jerks will continue to break and jam and then leave for the staff to fix.

DIRECTIONS:

1. Chill jerks until they are as cold as can be and will not warm-up for the remainder of their career.

2.  Put staff "in-charge" of all tasks so they will do all the leg work to set up the firm, but don't let them actually make any decisions.

3. Move into said office.

4. Stir up the ugliness and watch the mess unfold.

  * Pairs well with a lifetime supply of the liquor of your choice.

Awesome Email from Secretary X, Part 3

Here's another awesome email exchange yesterday with Secretary X.  Note: rescheduling a trial is HER job, which she decided she would assign to me yesterday for some unknown reason.   It's funny, she is MY secretary and she is now assigning HER work to ME.  What is wrong with this picture?   [MY COMMENTS ARE IN CAPS.]
------------------------
To: Superlegal
From: Secretary X
Please coordinate and handle trial reset, if it is going to be reset.
------------------------
[CAN I GET YOU A CUP OF COFFEE AND SCHEDULE YOU A MASSAGE WHILE I'M AT IT?]
-----------------------
To: Secretary X
From: Superlegal
It's my understanding that there is a conflict with the ABC v. XYZ case and that Associate already talked to you about getting it reset. Is that not the case? This needs to be dealt with ASAP to avoid an ex parte appearance to reset.
------------------------
[ASSOCIATE HAS BEEN TELLING HER TO DO IT FOR MONTHS AND MOST RECENTLY LAST WEEK DUE TO THE CONFLICT WITH THE ABC V. XYZ TRIAL. SHE HAS TWO DAYS LEFT TO DO IT.]
-----------------------
To: Superlegal
From:  Secretary X
It is not a conflict with the ABC v. XYZ case. And I can't deal with it ASAP. Maybe opposing counsel can since he failed to do so last time.
-----------------------
[WELL, SHE'S WRONG. THERE IS A CONFLICT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW SHE DOESN'T THINK THERE IS A CONFLICT WHEN THE SAME ATTORNEY HAS TWO TRIALS SCHEDULED ON THE SAME DAY. DOES B-DUB HAVE A CLONE I'M NOT AWARE OF?]

(SUPER-ASSOCIATE COMES TO THE RESCUE [INSERT AWESOME SUPERHERO MUSIC HERE -- DUH, DUH DUH DUH, DUH DUH DUH DUH!!!])
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To: Secretary X
From: Associate
Superlegal cannot bill to reschedule the trial. Please contact opposing counsel and find a mutual trial date so that we can get a date certain trial date. Then, please get the trial reset. Thanks.
-----------------------
[THANK YOU, ASSOCIATE, FOR EXPLAINING TO SECRETARY WHY IT'S HER JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE. NOT THAT IT WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE, BUT IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER TO HAVE SOMEONE ON MY SIDE BACKING ME UP AGAINST THE EVIL THAT IS SECRETARY X.]
-----------------------
To: Associate
From: Secretary X
I can't get into this for awhile because I am too backed up. I don't see billing is an issue.
------------------------
[TRANSLATION: ASSOCIATE OR SUPERLEGAL NEED TO DO IT IN THE NEXT TWO DAYS, OR ASSOCIATE WILL HAVE TO MAKE A COURT APPEARANCE AT EX PARTE TO RESET THE TRIAL.]
[ALSO, SECRETARY X DOESN'T SEE BILLING AS AN ISSUE BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T BILL HER TIME. SHE DOESN'T HAVE A BILLABLE HOUR REQUIREMENT TO MEET. SHE WON'T LOSE HER JOB IF SHE DOESN'T MAKE THE YEARLY REQUIREMENT. RIDICULOUS!!]
[LAST THING: SHE PROBABLY CAN'T DO IT ASAP BECAUSE SHE TOOK A ---FOUR---HOUR---LUNCH---- YESTERDAY. NEED I SAY MORE?]

Awesome Email from Secretary X, Part 2

Associate asked me to send an email to Secretary X. Here's another awesome blast from Secretary X:

Dear Secretary X:
Per Associate, please confirm you have our expert lined-up for the hearing next Wednesday, April 20. Thanks!
Sincerely, Superlegal

Dear Superlegal:
Did you open up the calendar for this hearing?
Sincerely, Secretary X

I guess I was supposed to know that's where she decided to randomly put that information, even though it's not normally there.

Oh, and it is obviously painful to give someone a direct answer to a reasonable question.

HOW DARE I EVEN ASK AND FOLLOW ASSOCIATE'S INSTRUCTIONS!!!

Awesome Email from Secretary, Part 1

This is a follow-up to my post Monday called "Beyond Frustrated." Here is the link : http://superlegalfun.blogspot.com/2011/04/beyond-frustrated.html

Just so y'all can get a little taste of what I deal with daily, here is a summary of one email with Secretary X today:

Dear SecretaryX:
Please make sure you tell the insurer about the new court date.
Sincerely,
Superlegal

Dear Superlegal:
You really don't need to keep emailing me to do things I routinely do. And, just so you know, I have not had a confirmation call back from our client yet. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Secretary X

(She already confirmed with the court and I called all the witnesses. I see another reset. WHY would you confirm with the court before you talk to your own client?)

Wikipedia: Paralegal definition

Wikipedia's definition of a Paralegal:

"Paralegal is used in most jurisdictions to describe a paraprofessional who assists qualified lawyers in their legal work."

A couple thoughts:

1. Qualified? I guess that means they passed a bar exam. The sad part is that unsupervised newby associates are also considered "qualified" to make independent legal decisions (and we have to happily assist in their near malpractice).

2. "Assist" does not mean the following:

  * Do your work for you. I am not an underpaid associate.

  * Cover for you or reschedule hearings and meetings to accommodate your sport of choice. Instead, I will start informing opposing attorneys/ judges/ clients that you couldn't make it because your wife just left you after finding you in bed with another man in her underwear. Yes, I'm pretty sure that will be the last excuse I need to make for you.

  * Do all the work to prepare you for trial while you're enjoying the Florida sun the week before trial (true story). Perhaps I'll assign the same level of interest to that case and hire a camera crew to capture your surprise that I didn't bail you out. Oh, and then I'll refuse to work the weekend on trial prep because I already promised your wife I would help her move everything out of your house while you did your own work!!

  * I am not your walking task list or babysitter. It's not my job to tell you what your priorities are, when to do something, where you're supposed to be, who to call, or give you a briefing about a case when you get a call because you can't remember what a case is about. I think, instead, I'll start "accidently" getting the cases confused, and give you random facts about several cases. Besides, Secretary X makes worse mistakes. It works for her.  Maybe I'll give it a shot. Who knows? I might get a raise.

I think the definition should be:

Underpaid, overworked people who loved the law before the attorneys around them disabused them of the idea that paralegals assist and contribute to bring a case to conclusion.

Beyond frustrated...

Secretary X is at it again!

I asked Secretary X weeks ago to reschedule an arbitration. She is in charge of ALL scheduling/ calendaring. She scheduled it, but didn't check with our witnesses or opposing counsel. At that point, I told her I would handle communication with the witnesses so she wouldn't screw it up (witnesses who agree to voluntarilly appear to testify must be carefully handled so you don't piss them off). I told her to communicate with everyone else (the client and client's family, arbitrator and opposing counsel).

Tips for interviewing for a Paralegal position (can be adapted for other professions)

Late last year, I interviewed for a Paralegal position at a new firm. I guess it's like riding a bycicle (one where the seat goes up your butt no matter how you position yourself). No matter how good you are at interviewing, it's so uncomfortable to act like you're not begging for a job, and to act like you WANT to feed the interviewer's ego. So here are some common interview questions for a Paralegal and some suggestions for responses (adapt to your profession as appropriate):

Awesomeness, Part VII: Reasons to embrace your awesome haters and hate-mail

I have reached another thrilling milestone. I have hate-mail!! Yippee!!

Y'all may have noticed a recent post by a reader in response to my post entitled "Dear JD: What exactly did you learn in law school?"

The hate-mail comment read:

Fort Worth 8L said...
Perhaps if you werent's so full of yourself, you could see that you also have issues. For instance, you misspelled "dilute." It only has one "l." If JD has just passed the bar, it is quite likely that they never taught him to use the acronym LR for local rule in law school. Our local highly rated law school factory is pretty academic and plus we don't use LR in Texas. We have local rules but refer to them differently.
April 7, 2011 12:37 PM

Now, before you all go hatin' on the hater, you need to understand why I appreciate his/her comment. Here are the reasons haters and hate-mail are awesome:

1. It means people who don't know you want to read the crap you write, even though they hate it.

2.  Haters like Fort Worth, who is likely a lawyer since he/she didn't defend the Paralegal profession, don't realize that they are carrying on the oppressive behaviors I am criticizing behind closed doors because it's not allowed in the office.

3. Forth Worth blindly criticizes me without knowing that typos happen, likely because the only time I can blog is on my two hour commute each day on public transportation on my "smart phone" with the great unwashed. Isn't it awesome that s/he's jumping to conclusions just for me? (So sweet!) Maybe I'll start incorporating tyops just for him/her. (Oops, I did it again!)

4. Haters are good for laughs sometimes because they don't read the other crap I've been dealing with and make uninformed comments without reading my whole blog. Just so y'all know, JD has been licensed for several years and "practicing" for almost a year. The fact that he hasn't looked at our local court rules is indicative of his incompetence, and likely why he couldn't find a real lawyer job.  Further, we aren't in Texas, Todo, and we do use LR all the time here.

5. Haters get to pass judgment on others. Haters, afterall, are so awesome they are above everyone else. Again, s/he's probably is an attorney, so s/he's used to exuding his/her awesomeness everywhere.

6. They give us great blog topics!

Well, I have a big smile on my face. At last, ladies and gentlemen, we paralegals get to speak out against the collective group of attorneys we work for.

For you, Fort Worth: Yee Haw!!